dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
