Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
