I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
