Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
