he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
