All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I CAN MOONWALK!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize