I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
