I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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