textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
