I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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