so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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