The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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