i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
