My sheets look like a crime scene.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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