The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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