I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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