the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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