Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
