1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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