why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
