Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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