A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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