He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
