I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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