My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
