There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
