just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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