he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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