I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
