I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize