I met the friendliest cop last night
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
