Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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