I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
