she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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