i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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