Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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