dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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