dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dignity is for republicans.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
