Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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