I'm so fucking centered right now
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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