I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
