im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
