there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
