It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
