Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
