I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
