mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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