I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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