When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
