final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My liver just had a heart attack.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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