I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
