matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
