My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
