Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
