Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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