Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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