She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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