Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
