i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
