A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
we're making bets on your personal life
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I need to calm my uterus...
my liver is dry heaving
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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