I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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