We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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