now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Its about making memories worth repressing
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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