The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize