ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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